I Can Do This Moment!

In high school it dawned on me that even Mom's and Dad's make mistakes. They experienced emotions like nervousness and embarassment. I was stunned. My naive assumption was that struggle and learning experiences were for children and someday they would transition into worry/stress free zone of an adult. Turns out age age has very little to do with mastering ourselves. It's possible I will still get nervous being in front of people even at age 90 unless I put myself in front of people so often I overcome that fear. My assumptions about life are often wrong and I find myself reevaluating how I see the world. Challenging or uncomfortable situations seem to be the best way to test my assumptions about life and I am drawn to this. The goal originally was to "arrive" as quickly as possible but now I know my road to self mastery will be life long or as the scriptures say "line upon line, precept upon precept". One of my most challenging yet defining moments happened during childbirth.

When I had my first child I felt very prepared. I was in great physical condition, I had read the books. I had even interpreted Hypnobirthing classes and felt sure I would utilize the information. I had practiced relaxation techniques with my husband. My labor team and Birthing Preference Sheet were in place. I knew what to expect and I was ready.

The day my daughter was born my expectations were vastly altered. I had expected to do my part and whatever I couldn't handle could be given away. I looked to my husband to take it away by holding me. I reached for my sister who was rubbing my legs expecting the relief to come. As the fear rose I looked to my other sister for encouragement who was quoting scripture and quietly cheering me on. The contractions continued and my thoughts were nonconducive to relaxing. I thought, "I don't know how much longer I can take this," "How much worse can these get?" "I haven't even reached transition and this is HARD!" "Oh no, here comes another one." I finally realized the only escape would be found through prayer. I reached out to my Savior for strength to continue. Looking back it's amazing that I didn't give up. My daughter was born a healthy beautiful girl and that day I decided I was done having children. I couldn't imagine willfully putting myself through that ever again. Adoption was my only option. Every woman I saw from that day on was a reminder of birth. They themselves had mothers birth them and probably had birthed children themselves. The world was full of reminders of the painful ordeal of birthing.

As time passed so did the memory of the pain but I remembered the fear and the thoughts. We were excited to have more children and I was determined to approach birth with a little more humility. For my second child I prepared much in the same way as before but this time I knew that it was my job and my job alone to relax as much as possible. I would remain focused and relaxed regardless of what happened around me. No one could birth for me and therefore stricter rules had to be in place for myself.

1. Absolutely no negative thoughts allowed
2. Pay no attention to duration of contractions and never look at a clock
3. When doubt or fear arise quote "I can do this moment"
4. Clear the mind of all thoughts during contractions and enjoy that brief moment.
5. Expect the unexpected but listen and respect my bodies signals
6. I am my top priority

When contractions began with my son the familiar fear came and I broke down and allowed myself to cry for a time. When I entered the hospital I was ready to focus and give it 100%. Respecting my rules I was able to labor with no concept of time and transitioned while in a deep and relaxed state. When the midwife told me I was complete and could push at any time I was shocked that my body was ready because I felt cool and calm. Instead of coached pushing I paid complete attention to my bodies signals. When I bore down to push my body would automatically begin contracting to support the push. I could rest until I was ready to push again and my body followed my lead. It felt unreal because I was in total control and making huge progress with each push.

Once again I had given birth but this time the fear was gone. That same day I could express a desire to have more children realizing birth was inevitably involved. My anxiety's around birth were relinquished. This experience helped me gain some insight into the power of the mind. What a gift. The time giving birth is short when compared to the amount of time spent living a normal life yet I now have some awesome tools to help me when I am being challenged. I often think to myself "I can do this moment." Isn't a day really just a lot of moments all added together. It's easy to handle 1 moment and before long a day, week, or year has gone by and I am a little closer to being the kind of person I was meant to be.